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And You Still Don’t Think You Deserve Better: 5 Ways to Change Toxic Thinking and Take Control of Your Life

Writer's picture: Brooke KeithBrooke Keith



Years ago I sat in my office with a woman we will just call Sal. “I know I deserve better than this - I just can’t think it.” I hear similar sentiments in my office a lot and I address it often at key note speeches, even tuck the knowing into books hoping that women and men alike are able to start the work of healing.


The knowing is only half the battle though.


Like Sal said, the thinking you deserve better is what really takes time.


I was deep in the covers tonight not feeling all that well and got to watching a show called Bad Sisters where a woman has no clue she’s being treated so terribly… until she does. It got me to thinking about all the clients, all the congregations, all the moments where I knew that someone KNEW exactly what they needed to know but their trauma, their predisposition had no idea how to say “I don’t know how to think that though.”


It takes time to go from knowing to thinking. Especially when all your life you were taught, told or screamed at that you would “never find anyone that loves you” as much as the screamer did. That “no one else will tolerate you” and fill in the blank. The belief that someone did you a favor loving you. That’s what it all boils down to. Someone who who doesn’t want to treat you better but still wants to keep you will convince you that loving you is a favor.


The stark reality is that no one is doing you a favor loving you. So many of you I have had the honor of sitting with, some in the Zoom office, some in churches and some in lives, and I can tell you so honestly that it is an honor to know you. So loving you, is no favor people offer. It’s a gift. Let’s start there.


Here’s how you start thinking that you deserve better. Let’s start out with five steps you can start on today:





  1. IT IS AN HONOR TO LOVE YOU.


Remember that. No one is doing you any favors loving you. That’s a way people keep us in their bad behavior. If we feel unworthy, we are less likely to walk away.





  1. FEED YOUR BRAIN THE ANSWERS.


No you can’t always control your thoughts but you can help them along to greener pastures with more basis in reality. If you are feeding yourself fried food everyday you’ll eventually have heartburn. If you feed yourself healthy, fresh foods daily… you’ll still crave the burgers but you’ll notice your body feels a ton better. But you have to feed it the right things. Try saying out loud what you want to think. Science has shown a direct link between what we say and what we believe over time. The Bible tells us the same thing about the power of our words.





  1. TELL YOURSELF WHAT YOU‘D TELL A FRIEND.


It can help to cozy up with a weighted stuffed animal, say it out loud or even write it down so that you can’t skimp over it. What would you tell a friend afraid to take a day off? What if she thought that day off made her lazy or that it would unravel her ability to pay bills? What if even her day off was just a big worry-fest of no rest at all when she did finally take it? I’d imagine you’d say, “You can relax. God has you. You’re a great friend/mom/daugher/etc. You are teaching those who rely on you to care of themselves when you care for yourself well. You are also teaching them to trust God more when you trust God more in a way they can see.





  1. IMAGINE WHO YOU WANT TO BE AND BE THAT.


Does daydream-you wear the funky clothes, bring out the good china to eat frozen dinners? Is she confident? Is she bold? Does she not care what people think? It’s never too late to reinvent yourself. This is your book and you’re the main character in your own life. It’s possible who you dream of being is actually who you really are past the fear.





  1. TALK ABOUT IT.


If friends are equally as negative as you are feeling currently… find more Christ minded friends to add to the mix. Talk it out in your journal. Make it a habit to start studying subjects that keep popping up in your journaling. If you need extra help, come in and see me in the office. Investing in you just might be the best thing you ever do.



Two things can be true at once - you can know you deserve better and still not think it. But knowing is half the battle. Train your brain and start doing both the work to love you… and the work of knowing when to slow down and just let it be. You’ll get there. I promise. Until then, work on your thinking and rest in Jesus. He knows how to lead you out of stinking thinking and into a healthier space where love is more about Corinthians 13 than any “favor” could ever measure up to.


**PS: Always check our social media stories for discounts if you aren’t seeing coupons in your inbox. We often have special through the week that are unique to different platforms.

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© 2021 Brooke Keith Ministries.

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